Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.