There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*