There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
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me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?