Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

👃🏻: what are you wearing?

😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”