Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?

12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?

Me: Yeah.

12: Don’t get any of it.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.