There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.