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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
O Wise One….
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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