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When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
relationship goals
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.