There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Like sleeping!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…