There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
you’re so productive for your wage
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box