There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it