Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

I forgot how to panic. Help

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Teamwork makes the dream work.

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery