There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?