Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

I enjoy a good short stor

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*