There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
If only
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*lint rolls you awake*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Mornin
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God