There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”