@LostFelicia

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

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@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@LetMeStart

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

@Shade510

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

@juliussharpe

I don’t have a problem with steroids in sports since I think anyone who can give themselves a shot is the bravest person in the world.

@SortaBad

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

@TweetPotato314

me: hey siri who shot jfk

siri: lee harvey oswald

me: really, i thought it was the cia

siri: *whispers* turn alexa off

@hellolanemoore

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

@squirrel74wkgn

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

@KMoFlo_official

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.