There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
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Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’m giving up for Lent.
Tuesday
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.