There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
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[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.