Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

this… may be the greatest story ever told