“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume