There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on