There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Bed should get ready for ME
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
shakira sharkira
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.