There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Good morning
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost