Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’