There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
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Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
What’s a Messi?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates