There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm