There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
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Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
broke down and did it
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.