Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”