“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
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I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once