Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Me: Two men enter, one man leaves

Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic

I’ve disappointed better people.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?

Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.