“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
You Might Also Like
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.