“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
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I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious