“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
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If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Baller is short for ballerina
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Just say no
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!