There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I’ve had worse
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
This made me smile…
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.