There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot