There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
What the hell is going on?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 馃槶
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
What if UFO鈥檚 are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?