Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.