Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

my friends when i can’t do basic math

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember