Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?

Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.

TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step

Me: Why do you say that?

TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.