Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

💀😭

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

If I apply for a job at the railroad,

will they expect me to already know how to do the job

or will they train me?

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me: