There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
What do you text your spouse?
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)