There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.