There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it