Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

he looks great for his age

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

choose your fighter

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking