There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
You Might Also Like
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
The Punning Dead.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.