Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Dear Lord..

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

I am absolutely never leaving this website

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.