There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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dutch is not a serious language
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I am, perchance
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining