There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?