Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

It’s an epidemic…

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.