There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My love language is deader than Latin
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end