There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
This is my favorite one of these!
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail