Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

😂😂😂

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

*Telephone Rings*

Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?

Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

How does someone manage that 🤨

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246