There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel