@DepecheALAmode
Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.
@Humor_Fetish
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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@DepecheALAmode
@realHamOnWry
Hard to believe that January 2020 was only seven years ago.
@AmishPornStar1
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
@coremillionaire
If you get baby fever, do you have to take baby aspirin?
@susie_dent
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
@JamieGreenlees
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
@Iwriteforcats
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
@_Tempo11
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
@squirrel74wkgn
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*