@Humor_Fetish

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

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@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

@Marlebean

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@Dawn_M_

Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

@FattMernandez

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

@noog

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

@nerdamage

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

@tsm560

Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.

@miilkkk

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

@Just__J0

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.