there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”