there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my drinking, and it’s time that I put down the bottle. Mom says I’m ready for a sippy cup now.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it