there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means