there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave