*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY
Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT