@minkpinkustink

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

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@ArfMeasures

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

@dadopotamus

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

@_BryanZ_

If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.

@dril

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

@HoldinCoffeeld

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

@Fred_Delicious

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

@TheMichaelRock

It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.

@Smooheed

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

@jake_likes_naps

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

@ValeeGrrl

7yo: I’M REALLY MAD AT YOU MOMMA SO I’M GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: OH NO. NOT THAT. ANYTHING BUT THAT