Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
You Might Also Like
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
#SuperBowl
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.