There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My humor is broken
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.