Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

Fool me once shame on you

Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.