There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!