There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
the icebreaker
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.