There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Whoa 😂
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.