There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*