Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Them: Just act casual
Me:

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?