there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!