there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
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(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
