@froghammer

There’s a giant exploding ball of fire in sky every day, and we’re just supposed to be cool with it? Hell no, I’m not into that at all.

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@CourtneyBale

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

@scrueggs

Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

@HeyJohnDuke

“First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

@NoticablyBacon

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@Lhlodder

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

@notashleywintle

My boyfriend:

Me: hey no pressure but if we got married this week on 4/20 our 50th anniversary would be 4/20/69 just something to think about

@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

@imadepoopstoday

People who say, “nothing could ever tear us apart”, must not know about sharks.

@ArfMeasures

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that