therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
? 💀
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!