There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.