Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

(more comics:

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

Dead
Alive
Other✔

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.