There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
🤣✨#caturday
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
They got a point!
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
