There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Yup.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…