There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
hackers play passwordle
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.