Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

No flush

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

Des Moines Police having a normal one

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok